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Aug 29, 2007

Managing failed friendship

Are you feeling that’s your sweet friendship just crashed down?

Step One: Count the Cost
First of all you must determine whether your failed friendship should be repaired. An unhealthy relationship is not worth repairing if it forces you to compromise your principles or overthrow your self-respect. You have the right to ask a friend to change if he/ she is making you feel less cared about, less respected, or even worried. Realizing that a friendship no longer works can be a positive step.Please don't fall into the trap of believing that if you lose a friend you'll never find another. The opposite may be true: you may not make another friend until you sever your association with an unhealthy person. The point is that just as good friendships can boost your sense of belonging, bad friendships can undermine your security and self-worth.
Step Two: Make Meaningful Contact
If you have decided it's wise to reestablish contact, you need to write a note or call the person to convey one primary message: "Our friendship is valuable to me, and I miss seeing you. Is there any way we can resolve what stands between us?" That's all. In making contact the point is simple, to convey your desire and explore their openness to considering a discussion. At this stage, there is no need to go into airing your grievances or even making elaborate apologies. For now, you are simply calling a peace talk to open up honest discussions about bringing resolution to your relationship.
Step Three: Forgive as Best You Can
When someone slights you, offends you, or deeply hurts you, the urge to respond in kind is natural. The problem with this urge is that we don't know when to stop, we don't want to balance the scales, we want them tipped in our favor. And once we feel the compensation is satisfactory, our enemy takes his turn at punishing us again. The cycle repeats itself over and over...But...Stop!...here is talk about friendship!...Please, stop and free yourself from a desire to hurt back, put an end to your vindictive spirit and save yourself from further harm. Set your pride aside and try your best to see the situation from the other person's perspective. If you keep this in mind you will be well on your way to practicing forgiveness instead of trying to balance the scales.
Step Four: Diagnose the Problem
Finding out what went wrong is critically important if we are to learn what caused the problem in the first place—and avoid repeating it..."Everybody's human"...you know...BUT...we want people to be neater than they are, less complicated. We don't want to face the fact that people are partially good and partially bad. But most of life, including our friendships, plays variety of colours. And if you don't accept that, you miss out on a lot of relationships that might have been. Diagnose what’s the problem together and move to the next step. After all, if a friendship can't survive an honest discussion of differences, that may be a sign that the relationship ought to end.
Step Five: Rebuild Respect
If your friendship is to survive it will ultimately depend on the reviving of respect. "Remove respect from friendship," said Cicero, "and you have taken away the most splendid ornament it possesses." Well...let’s beleive the Roman philosopher...and consider two things how to revive respect for a fallen friend.
You begin by noting your friend's most admirable qualities. Make a list of these qualities of character. The point is not to whitewash your friend's personality. Some friends, for example, are great when you need a ride to pick up your car from ta friendship's limits, it's easier to enjoy it for what it is without feeling let down about what it's not.
Next, you need to own up to your end of the relationship by offering a sincere apology for not being the kind of friend you could have been. Identify specific things you did that contributed to the friendship's failure and confess them to your friend in an apology. Ask for forgiveness...with all your heart sincerely... If you do that, mutual respect is almost certain.

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1 comment:

genny said...

Hi nice advice good job.